Thursday, July 24, 2003

A Few Thoughts on Hugs.

I used to hug all of my friends. Every time I saw them. At show, at school, at their houses, wherever. Now I'm starting to think that I was a better person then, went I went to punk and ska shows, and dyed my hair awesome colors, and didn't have to worry about car payments, or insurance, or work, or anything beyond how to get 5$ for the next show and when the next time i got to see Five Iron would be.

I was happier, nicer, more care-free. I gave hugs. To everyone. People I met for the first time got a hug and a made-up name, not a forced smile and possibly a handshake. I was enthusiastic about life. There was a boy I liked, that I wish was still my friend. I went to church. (My beliefs didn't change any later on, by the way, I just stopped going to church.) I had a zest for life that I lack now, and I enjoyed "stalking" a boy who I now know was Adam. I actually wrote deep thoughts in my journal, and I kept an art diary, and I kept a prayer diary.

I want to know what is missing from my life now. I have few good friends, and none other than Adam that I can call my best friend. I miss that more than anyone can know. I miss having a close girlfriend. Sometimes, the lack of one makes me cry. I miss hugs, from anyone. The only person outside of family that gets hugged by me anymore is Adam, or, very rarely, Alison. Unless one of the kids from work injures me and hugs me to make up for it, which happens about once a month. So, yeah. If you see me, give me a hug. I won't protest. I will, in fact, love it. And you. Dearly.

Oh, and pictures of the exploration described in the last post are here.

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Wanderings of a Broken Down Girl

First thing when I woke up, I got in two consecutive arguments. I got told (albeit was during an argument, so it still hurt, though) that one of my closest friends thought I was shit. I was also then told that I had to take another one of my friends (whom I love dearly and don't blame him for this) to work, instead of going with Adam and a friend to Sulfer to get Adam's new truck from his grandpa.

I know this is not supposed to be a daily account of my life, so I'll try to keep all of this short. I just want you all to know how I was feeling as the day progressed.

After taking said friend to work, I tried to call some friends (and even my cousin, whom I'm not too crazy about) to hang out. No one picked up their phones. So I drove around Tulsa randomly, and eventually stopped at The Riverpakrs, along Riverside, at about 41st street. I took my camera and got out of my car. I walked on the trail for a while, but it wasn't long before I had left the trail and ventured off into dense brush, only to find, when I got out of it, that I was standing on the east bank of the Arkansas River. I'm not all about Tulsa, I don't hate it, but I'm not particularly fond of it either, and I strongly dislike the Arkansas River, after it took one of my best friends' life, but the view was amazing. I took about a thousand million pictures, and I thought many deep thoughts, and I was in love with nature. Every one of those deep thoughts has left me, but that excursion really brightened my day a lot. I love you all.

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Silence and Sickness

The illness has gotten into my brain. I've been sick for two days, and I've desperately wanted to update, but as soon as I sit at my keyboard, all thoughts escape my mind. I promise there will be a real update soon.